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You know you’re in the final fortnight before election day when:
• You have to duck when your friends hail you out loud in a big UNC meeting, because your name is Patrick. • Politicians heighten kick-ass mode on the platform before the electorate kicks their butts out of politics on May 24. • Viagra manufacturer Pfizer rumoured to be giving T&T red-dot status, after product mention by T&T’s two highest-ranked politicians. • Marketing plans set to target not only those who wish to “Rise,” but also others seeking Pronounced National Movement. • You become as hot as your property price if you live in Pointe-a-Pierre, Moruga, San Juan, Tobago East, Chaguanas East or St Joseph. • T&T, which had two fathers between 1962 and 1995, may no longer be the child of a single parent. • A mother of the Ny-shun has arrived, milk pan in hand. • Your girlfriend prefers to go to a Kamla meeting rather than make nice with you on a Friday night. • Woodford Street, Newtown, residents lose shut-eye last Saturday, when road paving takes place at 11 pm. • Economists wonder if T&T’s energy cash cow will continue mooooo-ving after election. • Hillary Clinton’s hairdresser called: she wants her signature hairstyle back. • An SOS goes out for all hands on PNM’s deck and the first mate responds a little too eagerly for the captain’s comfort. • The kitty you got for Mother’s Day is christened Roar-Li, because he has too many cojones to qualify for “Kamla.” Or any other girl names. • Fitzgerald Hinds gets ahold of the cat and tries to convert him into a “baldheaded lion,” just like his hero. • (Hinds is ordered to maintain a five-mile limit away from or all or any shaving gear.) • Local Jah-ites reported to be undertaking UWI research on whether there is truly such a wondrous thing as a “baldheaded Rasta.” • Winston Dookeran is the only male listed on programmes to speak at UNC’s womanpower meeting in Diego Martin (last Friday.) • Dookeran misses the engagement due to a Port-of-Spain dinner. (Dooks sends a thank-you card to the dinner’s organisers.) • After Kamla starts wearing yellow nail polish and matching pumps, you really don’t want to know what Patrick’s comeback to that will be. Or where it’ll be located. • “Snakes” in St Joseph’s Balisier refuse to defect to Herbert Volney’s camp. • Outraged manicous overrun the Hall of Justice and engage Ramesh Lawrence Maharaj to sue Kamla for slander for comparing them to Manning. • 58 is the new 40. • 63 is the new 50.....and 70-plus is elder statesman territory and should just remain so. • A single lunch and one-sided hug-up do not a pact make. • PNM spins TOP in the political mud of Tobago East. • A shortage of stepladders and stools is reported in Diego Martin East, after Kamla bouffs Colm on strength/height issues. • Keith Rowley believes it’s all over for rival candidate Rocky Garcia. • Garcia sends Keith a boxed set of “Rocky” movies. Up to “Rocky 7.” • Speech writers are fired. One party brings in PBS network personnel, the other recruits from “Comedy Central.” • Ramesh Maharaj takes a chill pill. Bas becomes a commentator. • Kamla Persad-Bissssar starts agreeing with Patrick Manning on at least one matter. • T&T residents in Canada contemplate voting....for Percy Villafana. • Kamla breaks out “Redemption Song” In Laventille on Sunday. It promptly rains in town yesterday. • Everybody starts praying Patrick Manning doesn’t try to sing “It’s a Love Thing.” • The three Ms laugh all the way to the bank: musicians, mobilisation crews, media moguls. • Issues get obscured by incidents. • Maureen Warner may be buying Kevlar shoulder pads, but Kamla, on “hit” alert, forgoes protective gear—except for those big polka dots on her open-necked dress last Friday. • People forget the English language hits harder than any missile. • Especially when the words are so exotic, your target only realises the insult two days later...when you’re safely out of range. • The burning issue of the day is: How did Wade Mark get into Patrick Manning’s groceries. And photocopy his Hi-Lo bill?. • More significantly: who likes so much pork at St Ann’s........ Hazel? • Voters rule; politicians drool. “Fencesitters” start going to Peake’s to look for stepladders. • Jose the plumber (of St Augustine) declares: “People need to change.” • You realise: Calder Hart ain’t reach home yet. • Everyone waits, flak jacket ready, for next week. And the final shots. courtesy Gail Alexander Published: 4 May 2010, Trinidad Guardian http://guardian.co.tt/news/general/2010/05/04/you-know-it-s-election-time |