Election Affairs ... Two weeks and counting ... pt2



You know you’re in the final fortnight before election day when:

• You have to duck when your friends hail you out loud in a big UNC meeting, because your name is Patrick.

• Politicians heighten kick-ass mode on the platform before the electorate kicks their butts out of politics on May 24.

• Viagra manufacturer Pfizer rumoured to be giving T&T red-dot status, after product mention by T&T’s two highest-ranked politicians.

• Marketing plans set to target not only those who wish to “Rise,” but also others seeking Pronounced National Movement.

• You become as hot as your property price if you live in Pointe-a-Pierre, Moruga, San Juan, Tobago East, Chaguanas East or St Joseph.

• T&T, which had two fathers between 1962 and 1995, may no longer be the child of a single parent.

• A mother of the Ny-shun has arrived, milk pan in hand.

• Your girlfriend prefers to go to a Kamla meeting rather than make nice with you on a Friday night.

• Woodford Street, Newtown, residents lose shut-eye last Saturday, when road paving takes place at 11 pm.

• Economists wonder if T&T’s energy cash cow will continue mooooo-ving after election.

• Hillary Clinton’s hairdresser called: she wants her signature hairstyle back.

• An SOS goes out for all hands on PNM’s deck and the first mate responds a little too eagerly for the captain’s comfort.

• The kitty you got for Mother’s Day is christened Roar-Li, because he has too many cojones to qualify for “Kamla.” Or any other girl names.

• Fitzgerald Hinds gets ahold of the cat and tries to convert him into a “baldheaded lion,” just like his hero.

• (Hinds is ordered to maintain a five-mile limit away from or all or any shaving gear.)

• Local Jah-ites reported to be undertaking UWI research on whether there is truly such a wondrous thing as a “baldheaded Rasta.”

• Winston Dookeran is the only male listed on programmes to speak at UNC’s womanpower meeting in Diego Martin (last Friday.)

• Dookeran misses the engagement due to a Port-of-Spain dinner. (Dooks sends a thank-you card to the dinner’s organisers.)

• After Kamla starts wearing yellow nail polish and matching pumps, you really don’t want to know what Patrick’s comeback to that will be. Or where it’ll be located.

• “Snakes” in St Joseph’s Balisier refuse to defect to Herbert Volney’s camp.

• Outraged manicous overrun the Hall of Justice and engage Ramesh Lawrence Maharaj to sue Kamla for slander for comparing them to Manning.

• 58 is the new 40.

• 63 is the new 50.....and 70-plus is elder statesman territory and should just remain so.

• A single lunch and one-sided hug-up do not a pact make.

• PNM spins TOP in the political mud of Tobago East.

• A shortage of stepladders and stools is reported in Diego Martin East, after Kamla bouffs Colm on strength/height issues.

• Keith Rowley believes it’s all over for rival candidate Rocky Garcia.

• Garcia sends Keith a boxed set of “Rocky” movies. Up to “Rocky 7.”

• Speech writers are fired. One party brings in PBS network personnel, the other recruits from “Comedy Central.”

• Ramesh Maharaj takes a chill pill. Bas becomes a commentator.

• Kamla Persad-Bissssar starts agreeing with Patrick Manning on at least one matter.

• T&T residents in Canada contemplate voting....for Percy Villafana.

• Kamla breaks out “Redemption Song” In Laventille on Sunday. It promptly rains in town yesterday.

• Everybody starts praying Patrick Manning doesn’t try to sing “It’s a Love Thing.”

• The three Ms laugh all the way to the bank: musicians, mobilisation crews, media moguls.

• Issues get obscured by incidents.

• Maureen Warner may be buying Kevlar shoulder pads, but Kamla, on “hit” alert, forgoes protective gear—except for those big polka dots on her open-necked dress last Friday.

• People forget the English language hits harder than any missile.

• Especially when the words are so exotic, your target only realises the insult two days later...when you’re safely out of range.

• The burning issue of the day is: How did Wade Mark get into Patrick Manning’s groceries. And photocopy his Hi-Lo bill?.

• More significantly: who likes so much pork at St Ann’s........ Hazel?

• Voters rule; politicians drool. “Fencesitters” start going to Peake’s to look for stepladders.

• Jose the plumber (of St Augustine) declares: “People need to change.”

• You realise: Calder Hart ain’t reach home yet.

• Everyone waits, flak jacket ready, for next week. And the final shots.

courtesy Gail Alexander
Published: 4 May 2010, Trinidad Guardian
http://guardian.co.tt/news/general/2010/05/04/you-know-it-s-election-time



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